


I Know You Did Nothing Last Summer

by AlexisaFanST



Category: Dix pour cent | Call My Agent! (TV), Original Work
Genre: Actors, Inspired by Call My Agent, Pandemics, Screenplay/Script Format, Zoom Play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:02:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29536518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexisaFanST/pseuds/AlexisaFanST
Summary: Zoom Play (comedy) meant to be read during the COVID-19 PandemicAn Actor and his Agent discuss over zoom why one doesn't get job while the other only provides unappealing opportunities.Inspired by Call My Agent - the episode where the talents phone the agency to dismiss them.





	I Know You Did Nothing Last Summer

**Author's Note:**

> Characters
> 
> An Actor whose name we don’t know: in his fifties. He hasn’t worked in a while and blames his agent for it.
> 
> An Agent - we don’t know his name either: this person clearly has experience and a lot of repartee. He seems a bit ruthless and opportunistic but behind the façade… well he’s still ruthless but is more accommodating than you would think.
> 
> The Agent only sends the Actor creepy scripts (the auditions for which he consistently bombs because he's uncomfortable with horror movies) so the Actor wants to break up with the Agent. 
> 
> The Agent wants to break up with the Actor because he never works (for the script issue, but he’s unaware of the cause).

_The Agent is in his office at work. He calls the Actor at home via Zoom._

**AGENT** : Hi, you there? Can you hear me? ( _to himself_ ) Argh I hate Zoom. Alloooooo, anybody home? You better be there, I’m already losing precious minutes for this.

**ACTOR** : How do you do?

**AGENT** : What, are you rehearsing? I've known you for 8 years! How do you do…

**ACTOR** : NO. Ah… Yes, of course! I remember you! How, how are you?

**AGENT** : I'm -- Yeah! But let's not talk about me. How are you doing? How'd the last audition go?

**ACTOR** : Oh. Yes, for the chainsaw killer in Hillside Murderers 4. Yes… it, uh… went.

**AGENT** : Don’t give me that look.

**ACTOR** : What look?

**AGENT** : I know what you’re thinking. Don’t. It’s a great opportunity you know? This franchise has a massive fandom!

**ACTOR** : Chainsaw. Killer. Really? Is that what you think I excel at? Second rate horror movies?

**AGENT** : What are you complaining about? You won’t even have to wear a mask on set! You’ll be in prosthetics the whole time!

**ACTOR** : Oh, that changes everything then!

**AGENT** : Don’t be sarcastic, it doesn’t suit you. Didn’t you say you needed the money?

**ACTOR** : I’m not that desperate!

**AGENT** : Come on. You haven’t shot a movie in months. You refuse to do anything for publicity. Some days I wonder why I work so hard for you.

**ACTOR** : You call that hard work? I haven’t read a good script in ages! ( _shows script after script to the screen_ ) Werewolves On Wheels 2, Monsters Crash The Pyjama Party - the Day After, Big Ass Spider - the Return, Death Bed: The Bed that Eats (again)...

**AGENT** : See! That’s exactly what I’m saying! I keep sending you gold and what do you do?

**ACTOR** : What do you want me to do with this… this…

**AGENT** : The word you’re looking for is: WORK. W.O.R.K. Maybe it’s below your *standards* but you shouldn’t expect to receive anything else as long as people don’t know you exist.

**ACTOR** : But people in the industry know me. Must I remind you? I’ve been a leading role in 3 TV shows! I did feature movies for which I was considered for the Oscars!

**AGENT** : It was years ago. People forget.

**ACTOR** : What would you have me do then? Accept the first B movie that can afford to have me?

**AGENT** : Yes! Or maybe… just a good buzz? Tell me, have you slept with any A-list lately?

**ACTOR** : I’m sorry, what?

**AGENT** : Or B-list, that would do it!

**ACTOR** : NO! And besides, that’s nobody’s business!

**AGENT** : Or maybe you could accidentally post a *personal* picture on Instagram? You know? Like Chris Evans?

**ACTOR** : No! That’s awful! I don’t see how my personal life could help boost my career. Besides, I’ve never used Instagram before.

**AGENT** : Even better! Plausible deniability... when it goes wrong and you post a naked shot then...

**ACTOR** : No! And I don’t have Twitter or Clocktok either, for that matter.

**AGENT:** And you call yourself an actor? Soon you’re going to say you don’t have Facebook.

**ACTOR:** ...Erm-

**AGENT:** How do you expect me to work properly in these conditions! Tell me you’re going to the premiere I got you tickets for.

**ACTOR:** Are you kidding me? During a pandemic?

**AGENT:** It’s a socially distanced screening! Many important people are going to be there. Do you know how hard it was to get this kind of access?

**ACTOR:** I don’t even talk to my neighbours and you want me to *socialize* with random people?

**AGENT:** Not random! Producers, Casting Directors, Agents...

**ACTOR:** ( _interrupting, suspicious_ ) Agents? Whatever for? I already have you!

**AGENT:** Well, ahem, yes, yes, of course. You have me. Silly me. Just a slip of the tongue. I meant actors, other actors. You know, actors who actually work.

**ACTOR:** Are you trying to set me up with someone else?

**AGENT:** How dare you? After all this time! I’m shocked!

**ACTOR:** Ok, ok, sorry. To answer your question: no, I don’t intend to go to the James Bond Premiere.

**AGENT:** Good, because that’s not where you’re going.

**ACTOR:** ( _checking his invitation_ ) No Time To Die

**AGENT:** No, no, no! It’s No: ( _pause_ ) Time To Die

**ACTOR:** ( _reads again and exhales loudly_ ) Gosh…

**AGENT:** ( _triumphant_ ) No: ( _pause_ ) Time To Die! The sequel of No: ( _pause_ ) Time to Cry! Don’t tell me you’ve never heard about it?

**ACTOR:** I can’t say that I have…

**AGENT:** It’s very popular, you know!

**ACTOR:** Everything is popular according to you.

**AGENT:** If it makes money, then it’s popular. They even partnered with KFC. I’m sure you’ve seen their ads. No: ( _pause_ ) Time to Fry.

**ACTOR:** ( _pause_ ) I am not going. No, don't say anything.

**AGENT:** It’s your call. But don’t come complaining I only get you lousy scripts.

**ACTOR:** The fact is: you do.

**AGENT:** If only you tried a little harder. You’d already be a big name in the genre.

**ACTOR:** Ah, I see where the problem is... It’s my fault, really, I should have made myself clear months ago. I don’t want to be. a big name. in this genre.

**AGENT:** Nonsense. You’re an actor. You can play anything.

**ACTOR:** Anyone. I can play anyone. I may sound picky but I would really prefer that anyone be a human and not a zombie, a vampire or what was the latest? ( _checks his script_ ) *an alien from a galaxy far far away*.

**AGENT:** You are going to be amazing in Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

**ACTOR:** Killer what? ( _searching through his pile of scripts_ ) I don’t think I got that one.

**AGENT:** You should have received it by now. I sent a courier this morning.

**ACTOR:** Oh that one? It’s still at the door.

**AGENT:** Is there a good reason for this? It’s marked urgent! They want to start shooting next week and they’re short of a Space Cowboy.

**ACTOR:** I see… Well it will have to wait.

**AGENT:** Wait for what? That another actor gets the part?

**ACTOR:** I’m sorry, COVID rule: we don’t touch any paper coming from unknown sources for at least 4 days.

**AGENT:** 4 days? Are you out of your mind?

**ACTOR:** We’re just following the official recommendations.

**AGENT:** Recommendations from whom?

**ACTOR:** I don’t know, the NHS?

**AGENT:** The what? You know you live in the US, right?

**ACTOR:** Oh please, science still applies.

**AGENT:** No it doesn’t.

**ACTOR:** What do you mean it doesn't?

**AGENT:** That’s not how we do things here. You live here, you wanna work here, start acting like it.

**ACTOR:** It’s not a US thing, it’s a you thing.

**AGENT:** Yes, perhaps, but I’m your agent and I’m asking you to read the damn script.

**ACTOR:** Not for long.

**AGENT:** What did you just say?

**ACTOR:** I’m beginning to think you're doing this on purpose, sending me those lousy scripts. You don’t want to work with me anymore, do you?

**AGENT:** The irony! I don’t see you making any effort to work either! Listen to me, I’m saying this for the last time. You can’t afford being picky.

**ACTOR:** It’s my career we’re talking about. Do you think being in Killer Klowns from I don’t know where will get me a part on a major show or a feature movie? Of course not.

**AGENT:** All right, all right. No need to get on your high horse. ( _pause_ ) You know what, I may have something for you.

**ACTOR:** You do?

**AGENT:** I didn’t want to bring it up because, you know…

**ACTOR:** No, I don’t. Don’t make me beg. What is it?

**AGENT:** It’s a new series, a spin off from a successful franchise.

**ACTOR:** I’m listening.

**AGENT:** It starts in the future.

**ACTOR:** Ok. Tell me more. The part is not for an alien, is it?

**AGENT:** No, it’s not. Don’t worry, I get it. No aliens, no vampires, no werewolves…

**ACTOR:** Voilà… So, it’s a human in the future. There must be something wrong with this script if you haven’t brought it up so far.

**AGENT:** No, no. Nothing wrong with it. But you may have to sing a little bit.

**ACTOR:** I’m not a great singer.

**AGENT:** Oh, that’s ok, your part doesn’t require much singing.

**ACTOR:** Ok, I can try this. A major franchise you said? Send me the script. By EMAIL this time.

**AGENT:** All right. I’ll send it right after we finish talking.

**ACTOR:** Why not now? You’re not in a hurry, are you? We should discuss it before I go to the casting.

**AGENT:** Well, yes, why not now. Ok, ok, ok, give me a minute. ( _pause_ ) there!

( _Incoming mail sound from the actor’s computer_ )

**ACTOR:** You must be kidding me.

**AGENT:** It’s good money!

**ACTOR:** This must be a joke, right?

**AGENT:** It’s work, it’s paying well, you’ll get publicity for it. It will open a lot of doors for you.

**ACTOR:** ( _reading on his screen_ ) Star Trek - The Musical

**AGENT:** Star Trek - The Musical. Yes. I know. Don’t say it.

**ACTOR:** I, I… I…

**AGENT:** You said: never again. I’m well aware.

**ACTOR:** Is this even for real? A musical? Like 26 episodes of people singing in space?

**AGENT:** It’s more like 10 episodes these days. But yes. They’re on a Starship and they’re singing.

**ACTOR:** And what are they singing?

**AGENT:** I’ve attached a list of songs.

**ACTOR:** ( _reading_ ) Your Kiss is Cosmic? Total Eclipse of the Space Station? Comet, Come to Me?

**AGENT:** They probably sound better than it reads.

**ACTOR:** Oh, you think?

**AGENT:** There it goes again, you need to stop with that “I’m too good for this” attitude. It won’t get you anywhere. You’re going to need to work on that.

**ACTOR:** You’re really the worst agent an actor can have.

**AGENT:** Of course, I am. But I’m the only one you have.

**ACTOR:** You know what? Forget about it… and forget about me. I don’t need you, you don’t need me. It’s time we both stop wasting our time.

**AGENT:** You know, this is great news for you. Brand new beginning! Can’t wait to see your career kick off without me! See you at the Oscars, I guess.

**ACTOR:** FINE

**AGENT:** FINE

**ACTOR:** (silence) I do have Snapchat.

**AGENT:** You do?

**ACTOR:** ( _grabbing his phone_ ) My daughter installed it on my phone.

**AGENT:** You have a daughter? Ahem yes of course your daughter, I remember her, small, dark hair, lovely little person, her mother’s looks and her father’s brains of course. Of course.

**ACTOR:** You know how to praise an actor.

**AGENT:** What can I say? I’m a pro.

**ACTOR:** Anyway. I have Snapchat. She made me… she put one of those dog ears filters on.

**AGENT:** No, no, no. That won’t do… Wait! That could be cute. Could you send it to me?

**ACTOR:** ( _swapping pictures on his screen we can’t see_ ) Sparkling wings? Yes? No?

**AGENT:** Yeah, I don’t know... What else?

**ACTOR:** A Butterfly crown? No? Dancing Hot Dog? Rainbow Puking Unicorn? Still no? Gender Face Swap? Donut Face?

**AGENT:** Wait, wait! Gender Swap? Let me see. ( _pause_ ) You look good!

**ACTOR:** I do, don’t I?

**AGENT:** Actually, that reminds me…

**ACTOR:** No. No. No.

**AGENT:** You don’t even know what I’m about to say.

**ACTOR:** Just no. Besides, I don’t know how to walk in high heels.

AGENT: Good, because you won’t have to. Tell me, have you ever roller skated in a superhero costume?

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> Most of the movie titles and Snapchat filters are real
> 
> Story Contributors: Syaunei and Still_Not_King


End file.
